For over a decade we did not know the root cause of our daughter Allie's seizure disorder. Having the why unanswered was incredibly difficult, to say the least. I felt like an erratic mother bear searching to no end on everything as to why her brain was broken. Desperately scraping surfaces for any clues. I could not rest well without knowing. Negative on both sides of family history for mental illness, chronic conditions or any seizure disorder. Baffled. I was fishing in ponds of medical guesses, and mentally I was running out of bait. September 2014, around midnight, Allie age 11, sleeping in her bedroom just down the hall from us. I was in my dark bedroom Googling down a rabbit hole about pediatric epilepsy as I have done a thousand times before. I came across the PCDH19 Alliance website and in one paragraph I was introduced to PCDH19 epilepsy. As I read further the bullet points listing out symptoms were Allies. My eyes opened wide, and my heart was pounding as I read: What Are The Symptoms Associated With PCDH19 Epilepsy?
I never heard about this kind of epilepsy. I continued to read the entire site. Feeling excited and scared all at once. “THIS IS ALLIE!” I said to my husband lying next to me. What stood out the most while reading posts from other families. A small detail, but a genuine trait of our daughter, was that these children loved swimming just like Allie. I immediately messaged the website explaining who Allie is and the similarities with other children with the gene mutation. Delighted and shocked to receive a message back at that hour from the admin. “It sounds like your daughter has PCDH19 epilepsy. Have you ever had an epilepsy gene panel done for her?” From that message, our lives changed. "No, we have not heard of that. But I will have the doctor order it." I wrote back. Finally, our first solid clue and it was a big one. My mind racing. Could all this be the result of a gene mutation? Could we have an answer from a simple blood test? It was more than I could fathom. I was mad, outraged, happy and sad all at the same time. My extreme emotions ran through me hours into the night. Why hadn't our neurologist offered this simple test before? I needed that epilepsy gene panel ordered for Allie. 4 o’clock in the morning, exhausted after reading all I could about genetics and PCDH19 epilepsy, I collapsed in a deep sleep. I woke at 9 a.m. called the doctor's office at the Children's Hospital Neurology Clinic explaining that I needed a specific gene tested. I was directed to the genetics department shortly after and was then assigned a genetics counselor. They did their administrative work behind the scenes to get the test ordered and ultimately it was paid for by insurance. Seven long weeks after Allie's blood was taken, my phone rang. It was the genetic counselor. Her words echo still to this day. "Joni, you were right, she IS positive for the PCDH19 gene mutation.” I ugly sobbed in the middle of her sentence — the rest of the day a blur. A bittersweet feeling afterward as our family finally had an answer. Heartbroken, as there is no cure for my daughter's rare gene mutation. The medical treatments are no different. After all, it's only words on a piece paper: important words, no doubt along with a crucial diagnosis.
The fact remains, Allie is who she is and that never changes; however, I am grateful for the unanswered question that was finally answered after ten years of not knowing the WHY. It changed me on the inside. A calm had entered my psyche. My motherly instincts now verified. Social media; take the good the bad and ugly from it, I chose to take the good from it, and I now use it as an educational tool.
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It was a neighborhood holiday party. There were hundreds of kids, or so it seemed, running around and having fun. The moms and dads made nice attempts to wear holiday-themed clothing. This event was not appropriate for my day-to-day black yoga pants. Excited, I applied makeup, brushed my hair, and put on a skirt. I was ready to join. I was enjoying myself at the party, chatting with other moms. I offered to fill-up another mom's glass with more punch. I took her empty glass with my un-manicured hands and nails. These nails were past the due date of reapplying new nail polish. (I'm a nighttime DIY nail applier at home when kids are sound asleep in bed.) I never really made it a priority to upkeep any other kind of nail detail.
I knew I was caught when I grabbed the glass out of her gorgeous hand. We both looked down and found a millisecond of what my nails revealed. The women's nails were spectacular, to say the least! They were embellished with the latest holiday nail art. Clearly, she spent time at the nail bar just for the holiday parties. Lucky lady! I was embarrassed at that moment; however, I stayed and played with the kids for another hour. I was driving home and thinking about my nail scandal, which wasn't, let's be honest, it was all just in my head. So I decided to look at it from a different perspective: These nails showed that I completed serious work. These ugly nails had a hard week of taking care of children and all of their glorious messes. These nails are mine, and it's the best I can do today. Peace out to all the marvelous women that make time to find time for the salon. I will get there someday. It was a neighborhood holiday party. There were hundreds of kids, or so it seemed, running around and having fun. The moms and dads made nice attempts to wear holiday-themed clothing. This event was not appropriate for my day-to-day black yoga pants. Excited, I applied makeup, brushed my hair, and put on a skirt. I was ready to join. I was enjoying myself at the party, chatting with other moms. I offered to fill-up another mom's glass with more punch. I took her empty glass with my un-manicured hands and nails. These nails were past the due date of reapplying new nail polish. (I'm a nighttime DIY nail applier at home when kids are sound asleep in bed.) I never really made it a priority to upkeep any other kind of nail detail.
I knew I was caught when I grabbed the glass out of her gorgeous hand. We both looked down and found a millisecond of what my nails revealed. The women's nails were spectacular, to say the least! They were embellished with the latest holiday nail art. Clearly, she spent time at the nail bar just for the holiday parties. Lucky lady! I was embarrassed at that moment; however, I stayed and played with the kids for another hour. I was driving home and thinking about my nail scandal, which wasn't, let's be honest, it was all just in my head. So I decided to look at it from a different perspective: These nails showed that I completed serious work. These ugly nails had a hard week of taking care of children and all of their glorious messes. These nails are mine, and it's the best I can do today. Peace out to all the marvelous women that make time to find time for the salon. I will get there someday. SICK, SICK, SICK The definition of comorbidity taken from the medical dictionary is this: The presence of co-existing or additional diseases with reference to an initial diagnosis or with reference to the index condition that is the subject of study. Comorbidity is one term to understand when your child gets any diagnosis. The knowledge of this term mentally prepares you if by chance your child receives another diagnosis. Example, after you get a first diagnosis from a doctor and you take time to read all you can about it. The symptoms, prognosis, treatments you study and understand it. We have all been there, your head is spinning at all this new information. Maybe at the next appointment another diagnosis is a result from the first diagnosis and now your child with yet another medical condition. Bam, you now have comorbid conditions or more than one diagnosis. Allie is on the autism spectrum disorder or ASD. Below are the conditions that occur with her rare form of epilepsy called PCDH19. In her case ASD was diagnosed before the PCDH19 was diagnosed. Today, we understand that the PCDH19 is her primary diagnosis.
Despite all that she lives with, she leads a very active and happy life. It was 2nd Grade, Mr. Johnson's English class circa. 1982. We were instructed to to write a four-line poem about nature. However, there was a catch and rules to follow! The Japanese style poem, Haiku, specifically has 17 total syllables; 5,7,5. Rarely do these poems rhyme. But mine did as a default. Forrest by Joni Morgan Deep and dark fortress. How you must long for water. The drought must be stress. There it is. My first poem. It had to rhyme. I mean what 2nd grader doesn't like to rhyme? I loved poems in those early years. I had a blast rhyming for my teachers, family, and friends. I graduated into short stories. And, for the most part, fiction. When I was of age, I worked in a public library. There, I got a taste for science fiction. Fascinating! Worlds and universes were vast. Almost too much for my little fiction mind. I crawled back into my non-fiction love. And, In high school, I was crushed to find out my favorite book, The Bridges of Madison County by Robert James Waller, was entirely fictional. I recovered. Moving forward, I was more careful with my choices of non-fictional book choices. I invested time in them. Learning about life and what do other people do. I read books carefully. What have others done with their situations? How did they recover? What mistakes did they make? What triumphs? Books have become my personal toolbox navigating through this crazy life. Today, I am a grown woman, happily married with two children and a golden retriever. I write about my life. First, it was a simple journal. Then an online blog. It has evolved into a more than a 30,000 word manuscript on raising my daughter who lives with PCDH19 epilepsy. I love writing about my beautiful purpose of raising my daughter. It's therapeutic. It's an outlet.
Whenever I meet new people, my absolute favorite question is what is your favorite book? I then open my smartphone to enter their answer. Maybe someday I will read from my long list of others favorite books. Until then I got work to do! If it was easy, then everyone would be published! What is your favorite book? Leave a comment below. Are you new to a diagnosis of your child? This lesson is probably the hardest to accept because the raw emotions of your child are involved. Do yourself a favor right from the start of this special life and get used to the ever-changing and revolving doors of staff, helpers, professionals, care providers, sitters, doctors, nurses that will come into your world and then quit. Those special people in your life that you shed tears with and shared personal life events with will eventually change careers. They may move to other positions or leave town. Be prepared as your family will feel a loss. It's the nature of the beast, and as the saying goes... life happens. Every person in your child's life is meaningful. Your time was invested in that provider. As a parent, it is difficult when you see your child get emotionally attached to a person. Then that trusted "friend" leaves or moves on from their position, and now you and your child will feel a sense of loss. Recently we experienced this with my daughter Allie's music therapist. For two years, consistently, every Monday at 3:30, Ms. Ashley would visit to play and teach music therapy together. In those two years, I tweaked strategies and sometimes gave Ashely advice so she would be successful in teaching Allie. Ashley, at one point, witnessed a seizure that my daughter had. Emotions ran high that afternoon, and real-life lessons of seizures were taught to Ms. Ashley in that hour of "Music Therapy." We forged on and months had passed practicing music happily. Then one fall afternoon Ashley pulled me aside after a session, "Ms. Brown, can I talk to you for a moment?" My heart sank; I knew this was not going to be a fun conversation as I sensed she was serious. "I'm taking a new position at a nursing home in Centennial, where I'm going to be their new Activities Director." There it was - the two-week notice. It came, and now we start the process again. The weight of responsibility now falls onto the parents to prepare their child for when care providers quit. We now have to take the time to explain the person's last day will be next Monday at 3:30. I deliver my news to Allie after Ashely's last music lesson. "You will not see Ms. Ashley your music teacher again my darling. I am so sorry." I said sadley. "Okay mom, why? Did she move away?" "No, she will be working in the next city a few miles away from here with adults teaching them music. Won't that be nice for them?" I lightly explain in a way she can comprehend in a positive light. It is harder on the parent or care provider than the child in some cases. I am one of the lucky ones where my child just moves on to the next one. But so many are not as fortunate as I. However, the sting is still present in my heart. Please comment if you experience this. I ask you to offer advise for those of us that go through this transition. What do you do? What do you tell your kids? How do you move past? Think about this when people talk about mandating masks in public schools.
Today, I saw this neck tag on a lanyard that someone would wear if they do not wear a mask because of the disability they live with. This particular tag was signed by the ADA Americans with Disabilities -not sure if it is from the ADA, but it is sold on ETSY. Image from ETSY. For some people with disabilities, mask-wearing is not an option. For a person like my teen daughter Allie with PCDH19 Epilepsy, we need to see her lips and face and not have anything obstructing her face. For example: 1. A mask covers up her blue lips. This is a signal she is at the start of a seizure. 2. A mask can get in the way of her gasping for air that she desperately needs. 3. A face shield could cause more restriction and danger when she is in a seizure as she violently moves around during a tonic-clonic seizure. These are just a few examples I think about that pertain to health and safety. Then the fallout. I fear that she will get teased and bullied from staff and students for not wearing a mask or face shield. I can hear the conversations now. "Oh, my staff would never pressure Allie to wear a mask!" But, they are human. Staff and students will have their own agenda. They will not have filters when it comes to letting everyone know about their mask protection. These thoughts race through a mother's mind at 2 am. These thoughts race through a mother's mind throughout the day when she is in school. People with disabilities have rights. And, for a good reason. Let's not forget that we are not perfect. Let's not forget that we are not all the same. And, most importantly, let's not forget to be kind. Image source: Illustration created at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Break it down in a simple way. Then again and again. "There is a terrible flu going around. We need to stay safe at home and away from other people during this time, but I am sorry we don't know how long." A hard concept to wrap our brains around. This is our new "normal" for the next six weeks at a minimum. But what does that look like for someone with extra needs? For my daughter, Allie, who lives with #PCDH19epilepsy and autism, explaining social distancing to her is going to be repetitive and exhausting. For me to tell her we cannot be around anyone confuses her, to say the least. I can explain verbally over and over. But, what will happen is number one; it won't stick. And number two, I will get frustrated for repetitive explanations over the next six weeks. Thanks to Social Stories™ that I discovered years ago, this tool will help immensely. Social Stories™ was created by Carol Gray in 1991. They are short descriptions of a particular situation, event, or activity, which include specific information about what to expect in that situation and why. Allie, now 16 years old, has used Social Stories™ for about ten years. Therapists have introduced these valuable stories to me and helped Allie understand in a simple explanation with pictures and short words to match. A win-win for us as parents, educators, and therapists. Anyone can create a Social Story™ for a loved one. It doesn't have to be complicated. This story is what we used to explain the current pandemic of 2020. This is a free resource from the Social Stories™ website. Going forward, in our home, in addition to Social Stories™, we set up a temporary home-school or #unschool work station in our living room, use DIY chore charts, and count down "rings." We have an extensive collection of board games to play. Most importantly, I will make sure wiggle breaks are sprinkled in. This situation is uncharted territory with regards to a modern-day pandemic. I am looking forward to seeing what everyone else is doing. Please share! And, good luck to us all. If I report back within a few weeks, I am sure my mental health will be challenged, but I am hoping to stay in the positive. How about you?
Technically it is still a working manuscript. I am happy to report after 20 book title considerations I chose Don't Sing Happy Birthday.
This project is a huge undertaking, but I love it all, every step of the way! Below is the book cover concept. Thank you for your support. |